Day 2 of Thankful November

I am so thankful that I have my sweet baby girl. Thank God the doctors were wrong about my odds of having you.
You are the most beautiful and amazing little girl I have ever met. You are my rhyme and reason. I love you.

30 days of thankful - day 1

Today I am thankful for my mother. She has been my rock my entire life. The one person who has always been there and always will be.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for being an amazing grandmother. I love you!

Everything *is* bigger in Texas!

Not really.. but really.
Speed bumps are bigger. The sun also looks much bigger here.
For anyone who doesn't know, Tony was offered a job that was just too good to turn down. We thought about it long and hard, and here was are in Austin! We have been here for a couple of weeks now and I am really loving it. The city is beautiful and all of the surroundings are so nice.
It's taking some getting used to going from a house to an apartment, but it's really not *too* much smaller than our house was.
Our patio overlooks a leash free dog park as well as a field full of flowers and trees. It's pretty amazing. Natalie loves to be out on her patio no matter how hot it is or what time of day. We also have a pool that is made up of two kiddy pools, a fountain, a waterfall and two adult pools all connected together. Anytime we go outside and don't go to the pool,Natalie is very upset. Poor kid. I hope it doesn't take long for her to learn that we aren't always going to swim.
Now I will photo bomb you.

Sugar and spice and everything gross!

Natalie will be 15mos tomorrow. She is so girly in so many ways. She has a very high pitch voice. When she runs she holds her arms up (you'd have to see it). She doesn't like dirt or anything on her hands or feet.It is so funny to see how she is just naturally prissy.
Funny enough, to add to her list of things she is doing now, she now picks her nose and scratches her butt. A lot.Every time she gets a bath she goes straight for her crack. She also loves to fart in the tub and try to find it.
That's my girl! Ha-ha!
There are no words for how much I enjoy my sweet girl. Even when she drives me crazy.
Her list of words grows and grows. She has now added saying "s'that?" like 'what's that', and kiss/kisses.
Her favorite toys have become her sing-a-ma-jigs and the toy silverware that she got to go with her play kitchen. She likes to stab the cats and dogs with her spoons and knives. Obviously the love it. -Insert sarcasm-

Of course some pictures!

Merry (late) Christmas and happy new year!

Natalie is growing so fast! She is everything I could ever ask for in a daughter. As much as our loss brought a dark cloud over our Christmas we focused on our beautiful girl and she made everything worth it.

So many "whys"

I haven't update this blog in almost 6 months. I need to get stuff off of my chest.
We found out we were going to have another baby. It was so scary and unplanned.Then it became very exciting and we were so happy. My husband would be a father of three and I would have two wonderful kids and a stepdaughter.
Yesterday morning I woke up with terrible pains in my stomach. I was bleeding very heavily and called Tony. He came home and we went straight to the doctor. I had lost the baby.
This is the second time in my life I am hearing these words " we are so sorry " at the doctors office. I don't understand why my body is working against me. My heart wants one thing and my body disagrees.

Today I feel numb. Yesterday I cried. I was broken. Today I feel empty and just numb.It scares me. I hate feeling this way but I can't stop it. I cried for about five minutes today. That is all. I have sat in the same spot almost all day and can't seem to find my thoughts and emotions.
I feel like maybe I am going crazy. Maybe this is what it took to finally make me lose my mind. I feel like crazy isn't just people who act strange. Maybe crazy is what is happening inside of your heart and mind.
I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be the woman who cannot keep a child alive inside of her.Maybe Natalie was a miracle. A one time deal.
I am scared,sad but most of all,empty.

4th of July

We had a very long 4th of July weekend. In a good way!We always buy fireworks and set them off ourselves at Tonys moms house in the country. Her neighbors do the same so the whole area lights up and it's absolutely beautiful.
Sunday night we set our own fireworks off. Natalie did really good even though she was super tired and cranky.She wasn't scared at all.
Monday we went to our local place where they let the professional fireworks off.What an interesting night.We parked and shortly after a group of very young ladies parked next to us.The oldest was 16,then 13 then 12.They were talking very loudly with TONS of people all around.
When people say they cannot believe what young people say now.. I really could NOT believe what I was hearing. The youngest was talking about having sex while on her period. She is 12.TWELVE! Oh my.It was awful.She then started talking VERY loud about the day she "woke up with pubic hair".. mmmhmm.yep.She said "I woke up one day with a thick carpet of pubic hair.So thick I needed to shave my ass crack" WTF!?!
Shortly after that talk another car showed up with a very young couple who had two children.The oldest boy was maybe 2 or 3.The youngest was about 3 months.They were smoking IN THE CAR with the kids.The mom had shorts clean up her ass and a short shirt showing her baby pudge hanging over her oh-so-tight shorts.She started talking about being upset that people were so interested in her sex life and it wasn't their bisness.
By this time my husband and I have turned every shade of red and green you can imagine.These ladies had no class.That's for damn sure.
Natalie fell asleep right before they set off the fireworks.She slept through about the first ten minutes of them.Didn't even flinch.She is such a big girl!They were pretty,but not very impressive. Maybe next year.
Out of all of the torture at least I ended up with some super cute pictures from Saturday and Monday! Enjoy.