Merry (late) Christmas and happy new year!

Natalie is growing so fast! She is everything I could ever ask for in a daughter. As much as our loss brought a dark cloud over our Christmas we focused on our beautiful girl and she made everything worth it.

So many "whys"

I haven't update this blog in almost 6 months. I need to get stuff off of my chest.
We found out we were going to have another baby. It was so scary and unplanned.Then it became very exciting and we were so happy. My husband would be a father of three and I would have two wonderful kids and a stepdaughter.
Yesterday morning I woke up with terrible pains in my stomach. I was bleeding very heavily and called Tony. He came home and we went straight to the doctor. I had lost the baby.
This is the second time in my life I am hearing these words " we are so sorry " at the doctors office. I don't understand why my body is working against me. My heart wants one thing and my body disagrees.

Today I feel numb. Yesterday I cried. I was broken. Today I feel empty and just numb.It scares me. I hate feeling this way but I can't stop it. I cried for about five minutes today. That is all. I have sat in the same spot almost all day and can't seem to find my thoughts and emotions.
I feel like maybe I am going crazy. Maybe this is what it took to finally make me lose my mind. I feel like crazy isn't just people who act strange. Maybe crazy is what is happening inside of your heart and mind.
I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be the woman who cannot keep a child alive inside of her.Maybe Natalie was a miracle. A one time deal.
I am scared,sad but most of all,empty.

4th of July

We had a very long 4th of July weekend. In a good way!We always buy fireworks and set them off ourselves at Tonys moms house in the country. Her neighbors do the same so the whole area lights up and it's absolutely beautiful.
Sunday night we set our own fireworks off. Natalie did really good even though she was super tired and cranky.She wasn't scared at all.
Monday we went to our local place where they let the professional fireworks off.What an interesting night.We parked and shortly after a group of very young ladies parked next to us.The oldest was 16,then 13 then 12.They were talking very loudly with TONS of people all around.
When people say they cannot believe what young people say now.. I really could NOT believe what I was hearing. The youngest was talking about having sex while on her period. She is 12.TWELVE! Oh my.It was awful.She then started talking VERY loud about the day she "woke up with pubic hair".. mmmhmm.yep.She said "I woke up one day with a thick carpet of pubic hair.So thick I needed to shave my ass crack" WTF!?!
Shortly after that talk another car showed up with a very young couple who had two children.The oldest boy was maybe 2 or 3.The youngest was about 3 months.They were smoking IN THE CAR with the kids.The mom had shorts clean up her ass and a short shirt showing her baby pudge hanging over her oh-so-tight shorts.She started talking about being upset that people were so interested in her sex life and it wasn't their bisness.
By this time my husband and I have turned every shade of red and green you can imagine.These ladies had no class.That's for damn sure.
Natalie fell asleep right before they set off the fireworks.She slept through about the first ten minutes of them.Didn't even flinch.She is such a big girl!They were pretty,but not very impressive. Maybe next year.
Out of all of the torture at least I ended up with some super cute pictures from Saturday and Monday! Enjoy.

8 month stats

17.6 lbs and 26.5-27 inches. We couldn't get the exact length because my poor baby was so tired and fussy.That's almost 2 inches longer in ONE month!And almost a full pound.My sweet baby is growing up so fast.
She had three shots and didn't take those so well.She screamed and cried like crazy.She also didn't want the pedi to measure her head.I almost felt bad for the pedi today until I remembered how much money he must make.

Giveaway!

Check out Crabby Baby Boutique! A lot of stuff in the giveaway :) Ends tomorrow morning.

8 months!

Yesterday,my sweet baby girl turned 8 months.3/4 OF A YEAR! WTF for real.I do not know where time is going,but I wish it would slow the hell down.
I saw a woman at the mall yesterday with a newborn baby.. maybe a week old tops.I felt instantly broken. I was wearing Nattie in the Beco Gemini carrier and I just hugged her.I can't believe that those days are gone!
Everything new she does is so fun and amazing. She is learning and growing so fast I can't even keep up with her. I love to see her grow,but it breaks me apart knowing that one day she will not want me to hold on to her as tight as I can.
I took her 8 month old photos today.The lighting in my house is not the greatest so I didn't have much to work with..but you at least get to see this super duper adorable baby!!
Enjoy!

Getting healthy for Natalie's sake

I guess when it comes down to it, I have never really cared enough about myself to be healthy for me.I do care about my health,but not as much as I should.So this is me putting in words that it WILL happen.
I do not want Natalie to worry about me growing up. I do not want her to lose her mother at a young age. I am not sick. I am just not fit and I do not have healthy habits.
All of this will happen gradually obviously.I am thinking of giving up something new every week that is in my diet that makes me unhealthy.
Week 1 - Soda.
I started today and have gone all day without a soda.This is really good for me!

Natalie is growing up so fast. She is working on her second tooth. I am pretty sure she hit a growth spurt because she seems so big to me now. She scoots all over the house and bounces all over.Her personality is so big and brilliant! She is everything to me.She is all smiles.She still plays peek-a-boo daily for about an thirty minutes each time. She gets so sad if we quit playing. She says dada and mama to both me and her dad.
I could not ask for more <3

New camera/boredom =

shew! hope you made it through that! Natalie was a real sport. I really can't wait to get good at picture taking!
enjoy :)