Friday, December 30, 2011

Merry (late) Christmas and happy new year!

Natalie is growing so fast! She is everything I could ever ask for in a daughter. As much as our loss brought a dark cloud over our Christmas we focused on our beautiful girl and she made everything worth it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

So many "whys"

I haven't update this blog in almost 6 months. I need to get stuff off of my chest.
We found out we were going to have another baby. It was so scary and unplanned.Then it became very exciting and we were so happy. My husband would be a father of three and I would have two wonderful kids and a stepdaughter.
Yesterday morning I woke up with terrible pains in my stomach. I was bleeding very heavily and called Tony. He came home and we went straight to the doctor. I had lost the baby.
This is the second time in my life I am hearing these words " we are so sorry " at the doctors office. I don't understand why my body is working against me. My heart wants one thing and my body disagrees.

Today I feel numb. Yesterday I cried. I was broken. Today I feel empty and just numb.It scares me. I hate feeling this way but I can't stop it. I cried for about five minutes today. That is all. I have sat in the same spot almost all day and can't seem to find my thoughts and emotions.
I feel like maybe I am going crazy. Maybe this is what it took to finally make me lose my mind. I feel like crazy isn't just people who act strange. Maybe crazy is what is happening inside of your heart and mind.
I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be the woman who cannot keep a child alive inside of her.Maybe Natalie was a miracle. A one time deal.
I am scared,sad but most of all,empty.