I don't want to forget

As we are creeping up on four months,I keep reliving her birth experience in my head in hopes I will never forget it.I wonder if women ever forget details.
I have never shared on here,so why not now?
I woke up around 7am to get ready to go shopping with my mom who had flown in to be here for Natalie's birth.I felt like death warmed over.My back ached and I felt sick.This wasn't rare since I was sick the whole pregnancy.I had terrible Braxton Hicks contractions that started about 22wks and stuck around.Talk about scaring a first time mom.
I was 37wks pregnant and had already been in labor and delivery about five times to be monitored.I decided I would not go back in unless I knew for a fact she was on her way.
As my mother and I shopped all around The Villages (a city of old people,but great stores!) my pains just got worse.I was 100% convinced it was BH's.I kept stopping to breathe and they kept getting closer.Still I refused  to believe I could be in labor.
Finally when we headed to another store I couldn't lean back against my seat in the car because my back hurt too bad.It hurt so bad I thought I was going to vomit.My mom finally convinced me just to call my doctor and ask what he thought about it.I called and they asked me to come in around 1:00pm as soon as they were back from lunch.
My mom insisted that I eat lunch.
We made our way to the doctors office.Sure enough.Labor had started.I wasn't ready.I still had three weeks!They did the ultrasound to see if she had turned since she had been breech.No such luck.My blood pressure was 196/94 and I was full of fluid.This was it.They said to head to the hospital right then and there.I freaked out and started crying so hard.I called Tony and told him through tears and contractions we were having the baby to go to the hospital NOW.Funny enough I actually told my doctor that it would be a few minutes because I wanted to walk the dogs and check my hospital bag.I swear he thought I was crazy.I also called my mother in law and she couldn't even understand me I was crying so hard.She had to call Tony to find out what was happening.
We arrived at the hospital around 1:45ish.The scariest yet happiest moments of my life were walking down the hall way to L&D.
They told me that I would have the c-section around 3:00pm.Then they came back and told me it would be around 9:00 since I had eaten lunch.I sat in my room,in pain from my contractions,and so full of joy,fear,and every other emotion you could imagine.My in laws and some of Tony's family came to wait it out with us.As much as I didn't want them there,it was such a long wait I am sure I would have cried the entire time if the wouldn't have been there.
8:56pm the nurse came to wheel me away.As I passed through the doors of my room I wasn't scared any more.I can't explain the feeling that came over me.I felt like I had to be brave so my blood pressure didn't get worse and so Natalie wasn't born into fear.
I got prepped.Got my spinal (that hurt!) and remember the warm numbness that spread from my back to my legs and chest.They called Tony into the room and that's when my heart started beating so fast I am surprised it didn't come right out.
I heard the suction and the sound of my doctor talking to the nurses.I heard them but didn't hear them,you know?Then I heard "look at that hair!" I knew they had gotten to her!I swear at that moment the room was spinning so fast I thought I may jump right up and look at her.
The first cry seemed to take forever.She had inhaled a ton of fluid and they had to get it out.Then there it was.There she was.Her scream was so high pitched and just perfect.I lost it.My mind flooded with "Oh my gosh,I'm a mom." and "that's MY baby."They called Tony over to take his pictures as they cleaned her up.I felt so jealous he got to see her first!
Then they brought her to me to see.The most unexplainable sense of love rushed through me.My beautiful baby girl was here.She was big and healthy.Full head of black hair and the sweetest face I have ever seen.She is perfect.How do I deserve this? How did I create this?She is finally here!All of these emotions and new feelings that I had never felt before were so overwhelming.
My days at the hospital were all kinda a blur.My pain meds were strong.I remember how hard it was trying to get her to breastfeed and how I never put her down unless I was sleeping.I remember my walks up and down the hallway and trying to poop! haha.
The day we were released I was so happy and scared.I remember thinking once I got her home anything could happen to her.She was so new and tiny.We got ready,packed everything up and checked out.
As we went down the hallway I was in a wheelchair holding Nattie as tight as I could,scared we would hit a bump and I would drop her.When I saw the sun shining and the double doors opened I began to cry my eyes out.I was so happy! It was all so real.Some where in my head I had been waiting to wake up from my dream and be sad.But this time,it was real.
Almost four months later I am still waiting to wake up because some days it is almost too perfect.She is my daughter and I am her mother. <3 There is nothing in life that could ever make me feel more blessed or happier.Nothing.

Project Bills!

I don't know why,but I am the type of person who is forever setting new goals for myself.I feel like if I do not have a goal I will not achieve anything.
So! New goal is "Project Bills."Living in Florida I swear the hardest thing to do is lower the cost of my electric/water bill.It is hot,and I love my a/c.I want to lower ALL of my bills.This meaning I plan to call my cable provider,my cell phone provider,and so on and see what we can do to lower the bills.
I will update as I go and let you know how it is going.

Swagbucks help!

Ok, since this is becoming bigger and many more people are curious. go here Swagbucks and sign up!

Swagbucks is a site where you can earn "bucks" which are points.You save them and cash them in for prizes.The most common prizes that people are getting are Amazon gift cards and PayPal. This is a free site.Who doesn't love free money? I know I do.Below are a few ways that you can easily earn these "bucks".I hope this helps!

Here are a few tips that will help you earn more $.
Earn swagbucks just for searching like you would Google. Something we already do.
Earn 1 buck  for downloading the toolbar (easier to search with)
They will award you 1buck  periodically just for having the toolbar also
Earn 1 buck for voting in their daily poll
Earn 1 buck for checking in on your Surveys. (50-250 SBs for surveys)When you complete surveys earn even more!
Earn bucks for trying special offers, tasks, playing Swago (bingo), referrals and trade-ins.You can trade in your old cell phones and video games for swagbucks,and books too!
Also in special offers go to the Gambit tab and check the tasks.You can earn high amounts of bucks that way too!
There are random codes that are posted in the blog or on different places on their page.Friend them on facebook and you usually will find out when there is a new code up!
Hope this helps!!

Changes

So my beautiful 3 1/2 month old is now 12lbs 14ozs and almost 24 inches long! Way to grow boogs! Momma is so proud of you!!

On my not so happy note..
You would think after 3 1/2 months that PPD would be out of sight.How can someone be so sad when things are so great?
I have a beautiful baby girl.She sleeps through the night.She is strong and hitting goals like she is supposed too sometimes even before.Yet I still can't beat this shit.I swear it makes me feel like I am crazy.
I.AM.HAPPY.
How am I so happy but I still feel like everyone hates me? I feel like my daughter hates me sometimes.I feel like my husband who is doing what he can,hates me.I feel disgusting and I don't even care to be around my friends most of the time.
I have these images in my head that no one should have.Images of myself dead,or slitting my wrists.Images of myself drowning in a bath tub.Don't freak out..It isn't like this is what I want.It just happens in my mind sometimes.
I feel like I need to get all of  this out.Right now I am between insurance and I cannot go back to the doctor or talk to a shrink.I have recently finally opened to the hubs and let him know some of these thoughts.There is so much more.But how do you tell someone this without them thinking you are insane? He tells me it is normal.How can that be normal? How can it be normal to be crazy?
I haven't even kissed my husband in three months.I hate him sometimes.
I don't know.I guess I just needed to get this out.I feel like complete shit.How do you cure a mad case of the crazies.And how would talking to someone even help?
ugh.On that note..I don't feel like talking about it any more.