Monday, February 7, 2011


So my beautiful 3 1/2 month old is now 12lbs 14ozs and almost 24 inches long! Way to grow boogs! Momma is so proud of you!!

On my not so happy note..
You would think after 3 1/2 months that PPD would be out of sight.How can someone be so sad when things are so great?
I have a beautiful baby girl.She sleeps through the night.She is strong and hitting goals like she is supposed too sometimes even before.Yet I still can't beat this shit.I swear it makes me feel like I am crazy.
How am I so happy but I still feel like everyone hates me? I feel like my daughter hates me sometimes.I feel like my husband who is doing what he can,hates me.I feel disgusting and I don't even care to be around my friends most of the time.
I have these images in my head that no one should have.Images of myself dead,or slitting my wrists.Images of myself drowning in a bath tub.Don't freak out..It isn't like this is what I want.It just happens in my mind sometimes.
I feel like I need to get all of  this out.Right now I am between insurance and I cannot go back to the doctor or talk to a shrink.I have recently finally opened to the hubs and let him know some of these thoughts.There is so much more.But how do you tell someone this without them thinking you are insane? He tells me it is normal.How can that be normal? How can it be normal to be crazy?
I haven't even kissed my husband in three months.I hate him sometimes.
I don't know.I guess I just needed to get this out.I feel like complete shit.How do you cure a mad case of the crazies.And how would talking to someone even help?
ugh.On that note..I don't feel like talking about it any more.

1 comment:

  1. oh sweetheart I so wished you lived closer. It is normal to have these thoughts. What's not normal is not having anybody to talk to. You know there is a group for support for PPPD that doesn't need insurance. I'll look up the info and email you. Sending you loads and loads of hugs and kisses.